I went to the movies last week. I tried to cool my jets since, but I still stand by what enraged me then.
I was able to accept the 2009 movie as an action centered version of Star Trek. It had its lengths, and weak story points, but it was not worse than other Star Trek movies had been.
But this one I did not like. It breaks some core beliefs instilled in me by being a trekkie for two decades. Maybe it just means I’m getting old, that I am not willing to bend with the wind. If that is the case: good. I do not want to bend to questionable ethics and savagery.
Another thing: I watched the movie in English. That is why I took my notes in English afterwards. Sorry.
There will be spoilers after the break. Please only read if you have already seen the movie or have no intent of ever seeing it. (But why would you be here, then?)
I really should have gone to see Iron Man instead.
I am one of the people getting nice little headaches from watching 3D-movies. Conveniently, I forgot my 2D glasses.
And in this one, there were A LOT of cheap 3D effects aimed at the viewer. *sigh*
On to the „plot“:
- The movie begins with Kirk being up to his usual mischief. But why would he steal a parchment from indigenous people? And why would McCoy help? That made absolutely no sense to me.
Not to ask why Spock would actively participate in a plot that so obviously violates the Prime Directive?
(Well I know why: He was needed to cite the famous „The needs of the many“ vulcan saying. Hated it the first time around, thank you very much.)
- And parking a spaceship underwater? A big as it is, at least parts of it would have to withstand pressure of many more atmospheres than a typical spaceship is equipped for. Especially one that is obviously not meant to land on a planet or it would have had better weight distribution.
- Why would they refit a practically brand new ship with yet a new engine type? That engine would probably have been available a year ago, they could have fitted the ship with a prototype and then upgraded. That would have been way easier.
But at least it was a good idea to get rid of those ridiculous water tubes….
- Btw, why does everyone have a conscience except Kirk? He is a really immoral bastard, and his crew is watching and not stepping in!
He (tries desperately to) beat up a man that just surrendered. And Spock, who never had a problem voicing his opinion of the captains actions, remains silent. Watching. Securing against interference.
- And those klingons looked like Saruman’s orcs. WTF? Why where they even in the movie? I have never seen so unklingon-y klingons, and these at least had the ridges. That seemed totally out of place, just a plot device. They could at least have been threatening the Enterprise a teeny tiny little bit. Pretty please?
- Why would there be a whole province uninhabited on their home planet anyway? And how would that be known when they were still on earth? This information has no chance of being recent. (And it is not accurate, as we soon find out.) Why did Kirk catch the trap being set up on the commanding officers (which he was a part of), but not the one targeting himself?
- Btw, why was Spock melding with Pike? A short time ago (yes, referencing Enterprise here…), it was shameful to meld under any circumstances. And now, he does it without consent (twice in the movie!), and to a dying man? Why would he do that? It is not logical! And „curiosity“ is not even close to an explanation! This is SPOCK, dammit!
- All irony aside, I love Kirks reaction to Pikes death. His substitute father figure, the only person in the whole universe who thinks well of him at this point. He broke down briefly, and then gathered his act together almost more quickly than Spock at times. I loved that. But the next scene with Scotty is overdoing it again, just a plot device to get Scotty off the ship.
Come hell or high water, Scotty would NEVER have abandoned the Enterprise. Or Kirk.
Well, Kirk maybe, but not the Enterprise.
- Did anyone else think Chekov was doomed when Kirk said „Put on a red shirt!“?
- Sulu is even more one-dimensional than Chekov. The latter at least is a comic relief. Sulu is just the guy sitting there looking stern, and playing the badass when called upon, only to step back seconds later.
Good god, Adams really hates him!
- I groaned about the depiction of women, as promised. But I am used to that at this point. I can not get used to a white Khan. There is no valid reason to do this. Plus, he is way younger than when the original Enterprise found him floating in space. Why would that be different in this universe? He was frozen way before the divergence.
They went to great lengths to find „new“ Spock, Bones and Scotty. And for the most part, they did a great job! Why not Khan? He was just Sherlock on drugs! He felt out of place, as if he was on a different page entirely.
- And why did Spock feel the need to talk to Spock in front of *everyone*? That was pointless. Just to have Leonard Nimoy in there?
- Admiral Marcus‘ train of thought has been used over and over in movies and books, and rarely in a believable way. Same here. Did no one ever talk to him or why was no one ever suspicious? And how did he arrange to survive the attack at the beginning? Sherlock was shooting from a moving shuttle into a room full of sparks and glass shards!
- And the Enterprise spiralling back to earth? (How did they get back, anyway? Weren’t they dead in space behind the klingon border just a minute ago? That is at least a weeks worth of travel according to DS9.)
But wtf was gravity doing there? That was not the way a ship would fall except while being continuously being fired upon. Which it was not. And why not switch off gravity completely? At least nobody would fall to death. The inertial dampeners were clearly working, or there would have been more red-shirted splotches on the walls.
- Then again… why is that ship still there anyway? It took a few direct hits to the aft section, where the warp core and all that antimatter is supposed to be. Why did it not explode?
- Well. Physics in this movie went over board pretty early. The original universe had a lot of technobabble, but most of it was believable and not too over the top. This was basically saying „f*ck physics, I’m shooting an action movie here!“
Worse than the A-Team in my eyes, and THAT is saying something.
- The reversion of places in saving the ship as opposed to the „classic“ version was maybe a witty idea, but saving Kirk is another deus-ex-machina, and the sentimental moment between Kirk and Spock was anticlimactic and seemed out of character for both. If it is not pon-farr, there is no room for vulcan tears! So much out of character in fact, that it took me out of the movie.
- Spock then goes on to have some fisticuffs with Sherlock… uhm… Khan. You know, having read all that Kirk/Spock fanfiction… Yeah. Uhura is doomed.
- And here comes what made me lose my mind: How Kirk was going to be saved was very obvious. But why Khans blood? There were 72 other people on board, in statis, who could not object to being milked.
When they first opened the warhead, Bones said the stasis tubes could not be opened without putting the inhabitants in severe danger, because since the invention of warp travel, knowledge about stasis had diminished. And in the end, to save Kirk, he just has one possibly killed? Bones has always been the most moral of the triangle. This is so far out-of-canon, this cannot considered to be Star Trek anymore.
And whose idea was it to put spoilers on the nacelles? *cries her eyes out*
This cannot count as a Star Trek movie any more. This is defying everything Gene Roddenberry fought for.
And what’s worse, this broke my faith in the future of mankind. *rushes off with dramatic gestures*